Authentic

My last post has been a long time in the making, and many of my closest blog friends saw the writing on the wall.  Like so many of my fellow bloggers, I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  If there was a type AAA personality that would be me!  I tend to assume that others have expectations of me, when often those expectations are self imposed.  Call it southern guilt as my friend Connie says, or whatever makes me feel this way.  As my daughter reminded me in a lovely email, I'm the one who always says "quit worrying so much what other people think!"

Too bad I often don't take my own good advice.  We women are famous for that though aren't we, tending to everyone else and putting ourselves last on the "to do" list.

Your comments actually made me cry, and let me tell you folks, that's saying something.  I didn't cry at my mother or my father's funerals, so it takes a lot to make me cry.  And maybe that's part of the problem too, maybe I am always trying to be so strong, so together, and so capable that I don't get to be as authentic as I should be.  As true to myself and I want to be.

I tell others to blog about what they love, not to worry what other people will think, not to care, and then I worry and care about those same things myself.  I wonder how many of us truly are able to go through life not giving a damn what anyone else thinks, I'm betting the numbers are fairly low.  Do we ever truly soar without fear of losing our way and the worry that we'll come crashing back to earth?!

When I started this blog of mine, one of my dreams was to get my writing out there in the hopes that I would eventually write for some major magazines.  I've been more than blessed to realize this dream and so much more thanks to my blog!  And for that I will forever be grateful.

Along the way, I have gained so much, but I have lost a little bit too.  I've lost time because I have invested a lot into my blog, and I've lost money too because the time I spend trying to keep all the plates in the air is time I should be using to reach the next set of goals I have.  I don't even know how bloggers who create, constantly decorate, and shop for their reader's pleasure are able to manage, I know I could not.

I have a family that supports me unconditionally, they are my biggest fans and my greatest cheerleaders and to say I'm lucky would be like saying the ocean has a little bit of water in it!  But it's time I stop just chasing dreams and work towards making them a reality and one that pays me in cold hard cash for my efforts.

When I started my blog, I was explaining how something crazy had happened to me that day.  My dear friend Julie said to me, "now that is a blog I would read!"  What she meant was that she loved seeing all the pretty pictures and beautifully decorated rooms, but to her, a blog she could relate to would be one where dogs aren't just cute but they sometimes also throw up.  Where houses are beautiful and dusty at the same time.  Authentic life, unfiltered, not retouched, hanging out there for all to see.

I can't be "that" authentic, but I think I need to change things to be more true to who I am and what I want.  Your responses have filled me with so much hope and better yet, courage.  Courage to be myself, to post what I want to post, to follow that great advice that I give to others but tend to ignore myself.

I will take time for myself and not worry if it's been 2 or 15 days since my last post.  I won't worry if I can't reply to comments or visit every blog in the universe.  I will be myself and I will learn that being still isn't being lazy, it's simply being quiet so that I can hear what "I" have to say to myself.  I won't placate myself and think, things will be fine now, and then find myself back in the same boat again just a few months from now.  This is a pattern that needs to be stopped dead in it's tracks.  I need to be who I am, for what it's worth.

My artwork was recently picked up by a lovely gallery, and when I got home my husband said "aren't you so excited?!"  I said "I'll be excited when someone buys something," which is so like me!  I will learn to cherish the joys and live in the moment!  I will turn those negative "what ifs" into positive "so whats" and I will be the only person I can be...ME!

So from the bottom of my heart, thank You for letting me be ME!  Where we'll end up at the end of the ride I still don't know, but thank you for getting in my banged up old pick up and riding along!