An Unlikely Friendship

Almost 7 years ago my husband purchased an online computer game called Jedi Academy for our then 12 year old Star Wars obsessed son. It was his first online game, and I was a nervous wreck about letting him play on the internet with all the news stories I had read about children being manipulated or even lured by strangers they met on the web. I was also keenly aware of the amount of bad language, drug talk, etc. used online, and how unattended children, teens, or even adults would often use online gaming to bully people and be something they weren’t in real life.

So being the paranoid, overprotective mother that I was/am, I used to sit behind our son as he played and I would make him leave a server if the language was bad. Now, what you might not know about me is that I’m very competitive…as in SUPER competitive!

It’s a trait I’ve had all my life, and it’s what allowed me to play college level tennis. So not only did I sit behind my son to prevent him from being exposed to things I didn’t like, but I also used to give him helpful hints about how to play! I’m sure you can only imagine how well that went over with a 12 year old boy…his mom saying “watch out, bad guy,” or “why don’t you try swinging the lightsaber this way?”…

My son quickly suggested that I “try” the game and that it wasn’t as easy as it looked. I just laughed, after all I was the mom who couldn’t even cross the street in Frogger, and I never knew which controls to use on the Playstation, so how on earth would I be able to learn this complicated Star Wars computer game which had characters I had never heard of and really could care less about?! But instead of saying no, I decided that maybe this would be a great way to bond with my son as he entered into the teenage years. I had happily shopped for dance dresses, talked about hair and makeup, watched chick flicks, gone to tea, and shared all things girlie with my daughter, but I was entering unknown territory with a boy and thought maybe this would be a wonderful way for us to stay connected.

True to form I dove headlong into the game, quickly moving from the game type known as “siege” into the ranked lightsaber dueling servers. It was less hectic there, and seemed to have a more mature crowd, 16 and above as opposed to the 13 year olds, and there were even a few old timers like myself! I became sort of an anomaly in the game, a 40 year old “mom” wielding a pretty mean staff saber, and I began to rank up. It was really an amazing thing in many ways, I would log into the game and people (mostly teenagers) would come in and tell me about how they had gotten a good grade on a test I had told them to study for, or when I would enter a server they would reprimand one another for using bad language in front of me and even kick them from the server if they didn’t straighten up! Eventually I became one of the top ranked duelers in the world, which means I basically played too much, but it did give me an added layer of respect both inside and outside of the game… It wasn’t a title I mentioned to my friends in real life who most wouldn’t have understood, but trust me when your son’s teenage friends or your daughter’s prom date find out this bit of trivia about you, you gain instant street cred! (That means you are seen as “slightly” cool!)

In most online games, you have to select a game name, and I was at a complete loss when I started playing JKA, as the game is commonly called. We had recently visited England and I had seen Les Miserables in London so I chose Les Mis as my game name. I was always shocked at how many of these so called geeky gamers knew exactly what my name stood for, even quoting lines from the play from time to time! And even those few who chose to use online gaming as a way to gain power or notoriety they lacked in real life, the bottom line was these were real people with real feelings on the other side of my screen, something I as a 40 year old mom could understand.

A few months after I began playing, I met one person in particular that seemed a bit different than the rest. His game name was Downey and we met one afternoon in an empty server over a few fun duels. We instantly struck up a “gaming” friendship and would agree to meet to duel on a certain day or time. We chatted via typing in the game about our lives, how he was an IT professional at a hospital outside of London, and how I was a freelance writer. He was 26, happily married and an only child for his mother who he adored. He would call me “mom” in the game and joked about how a 40 year old soccer mom could be playing an online computer game!

All of this was during a time when I was helping care for my own mother following her stroke, so having a bit of geeky fun and an escape was truly a godsend! Downey and another dear friend named Mogul, would laugh at my complete and utter lack of knowledge about Star Wars and how I didn’t know a jedi from a jackrabbit, or a sith from a sloth! And as time passed the friendship I developed with Downey would spill over to emails and instant message chats. One evening he explained to me that he had been diagnosed with a brain tumor a year or so before, but that it was non-malignant so not to worry! Although the tumor wasn’t cancerous it had still caused him problems and it was located in a part of his brain that was inoperable. I was shocked and saddened by the news and hopeful that this young man would live a long and full life despite the evidence I found online to the contrary.





In the fall of 2004, Downey, whose real name is Dan, planned a trip to the states with his mom, Sandra, and wife Sue. They had planned to go to NYC and Memphis (his mom is a huge Elvis fan), but he wondered if they took a side trip to Washington DC if I would be willing to meet them. We had often joked about meeting in person, and since we had just been to England the year before, this looked like the most promising chance for us to meet, so we began to make plans to meet for dinner near where they would be staying. Although this went against everything I had ever learned about meeting strangers, somehow it just seemed like the right thing to do! We had exchanged pictures, and I had even seen both Sue and him waving happily to me from a webcam once or twice during the year, so surely these are the people they say they are right?! About a week before we were to meet, I got a lovely email from Dan asking me if I truly wasn’t an axe murderer and I had to chuckle to myself that clearly we were both a bit apprehensive about doing something which seemed so completely crazy…we didn’t even know one another’s last names or home addresses at this point!

But off we went, Mr. Tide, my son Bugs, and me (our daughter wasn’t feeling well and stayed home) to meet this stranger who we met as a character in a game where we slashed one another with lightsabers! The moment he walked in I knew it was him, and we had each brought gifts to exchange with one another. I gave him a mug and he gave me tea which he knew I would love! Within minutes the miles and barriers that had once separated us melted away and it was as though we had known one another forever. We had spoken to one another nearly every day for the past year, so in many ways he knew more about me and my family than people I had known in real life for years, and vice versa!

We found it awkward calling one another by our “real” names and joked about this unlikely friendship we had struck up! And when it came time to part ways we took pictures, hugged, and found it difficult to say goodbye. Like when any two friends have to say goodbye it was hard, and it was made harder by the fact that we didn’t really know if we would see one another again! The reality of our physical distance was one thing, but his illness was always there in the back of our minds.

Thankfully over the years we were able to see one another in person again, and our daughter saw Dan and his family more than any of us when she lived in France. With each passing year we all grew closer, these two families brought together by a silly game. A few years ago I met my daughter in Yorkshire in the north of England for a girls getaway. As soon as I told Dan we would be there he and his family made plans to drive the long way to come see us. We spent a few glorious days with Dan, Sue, Sandra, and his stepfather Del touring the sites of York. The first night we decided to meet at the Minster in York, a beautiful old cathedral with so much history and meaning. As we stood on the steps eagerly anticipating their arrival we met a woman who was also waiting to meet someone she had befriended through the internet. She seemed so relieved that there were other crazy people in the world willing to do this! She told us she had traveled from Canada to meet someone from a book club.

She didn’t realize that I had already met Dan and his family before, and I failed to mention that we had met while slicing and dicing one another in a Star Wars game. When Dan arrived, I turned to him and said “she is meeting a friend from the internet too!,” to which he grinned and said “we met killing one another with lightsabers!” You could see the woman quickly begin to re-think this decision to travel halfway around the world to meet her internet acquaintance, and I think she actually considered running at that point!

Tomorrow, Downey will be laid to rest after a long and brave fight with cancer, his tumor eventually became malignant and he fought with all his might, but the cancer was stronger. I will smile whenever I think of him and his infectious laugh, his keen wit, and his wonderful sense of humor. He loved so many things like the Lord of The Rings, Armani, movies, Robert Downey Jr., Haagen-Dazs, all sorts of music, Superman, but most of all he loved his family and friends. And in turn, he was loved by so many, I am just one person who was lucky enough to call him friend!

I know he is free from pain, and he has already sent a few signs to me in the form of shooting stars, a song, or favorite movies, that he is ok and is watching over all of us! I will forever treasure the last night we were together, when we walked down the street in York to get something I forgot from the bed and breakfast where my daughter and I were staying, just the two of us, walking arm in arm talking about life, dreams, and everything we hold so dear to us. I wish I had one more chance to show him that I was better than him at swinging a lightsaber, to share a cup of redbush tea, and to just chat about anything and nothing at all like we always did. He brought more love, kindness, and generosity into the world in almost 33 years than many people who live much longer ever could hope to. We were an unlikely pair, he and I, but I will thank God each and everyday for bringing our families together!

Tomorrow will be a day filled with all sorts of emotions for his beloved family and friends, and to them I send all my love and strength as they honor this wonderful man, son, husband, grandson, brother, and friend. Rest in Peace my dear friend, you will be greatly missed!!!

Thank you Katee for reminding me of one of his favorite songs!!