Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Something's Been Weighing on Me

Thank you to everyone who as already entered, tweeted, FB'd, or posted about my latest Giveaway!  If you haven't already entered you can click HERE and join the rest of the folks who already have.  And to the gentlemen who offered to send me pictures of his garden....yes please, I'd love to see them!  I couldn't reply to your comment because you don't have your email visible. :-(


The past few days I've been feeling out of sorts.  I'm not sure if it was because every story I've written lately has been difficult to complete, due to one reason or another, or if it was because of my kidney stone episodes, or because I've just been going to bed way later than I normally do, but I've been a little down...which is just not like me.  This post is my way of trying to find out why I've been feeling the way I do...but I warn you it's a very LONG post, so you might want a healthy snack and some water before reading further.

Today, I visited Chania's wonderful blog Razmataz where she posted about her struggle with weight and how society treats people who don't fit a certain mold with disgust and disrespect much of the time.  Her post struck a that's been close to the surface for awhile now, but I just didn't know how to put it all in words until today.

I had been thinking about doing a post on this topic, but have stopped myself plenty of times for fear that it was something we just shouldn't talk about.  Oh I've hinted at it...the no picture rule I spoke of with's not for her, she's a beautiful and very photogenic, the rule was for me and thankfully she has always understood why I wanted her to honor my rule.

Growing up, I was never the skinny kid, but I was far from overweight.  I was a college level athlete who played tennis for up to 6 hours a day, ran, and lifted weights, so in a nutshell I was someone who could probably kick your butt.  My greatest joy was to go to the local Navy base on the weekends and hang out near the tennis courts or racquetball courts waiting for some brawny Marine to show up so that I could play a pick up game and wipe him around the court.  I gained a reputation as being someone to contend with, and people would seek me out to see if they could beat me...I loved that, because if I'm nothing else, I am super competitive.

Now, I was never a jerk or someone who flaunted my abilities as an athlete, it was the opposite actually.  I sought to humble those who thought they were invincible and smiled on the inside when I achieved my goal.

Sports were my refuge, the place where I found passion, joy, and a healthy lifestyle.  I was a good student too, but tennis was always my priority.  I once had a college professor tell me after missing class for an away match that I needed to get my priorities straight...I simply looked at her and politely said, "I think I do have them straight."  I was confident, self assured, and I knew that missing a few of her classes to do something I loved would not keep me from the career of my dreams...and it didn't.

But even in college, I knew that something wasn't right with my body.  I would work out with the team for hours at a time and then be back out on the court for fun for several more hours a day, but I was never the skinny, willowy tennis player that some of my friends and teammate were.  I was solid as a horse, and I ate incredibly well, didn't drink except for an occasional drink, and I still wasn't as thin as I should have been based on my intake verses my output.

I simply wrote it off to bad genes and knew that throughout my life I would have to work to keep my weight at a normal level.  Then, after I married and had my daughter, I was suddenly skinny!  I could wear the two piece bathing suit I hadn't felt comfortable wearing since middle school because I thought muscular and strong wasn't sexy.  It was so strange to not exercise like I once had and to be so much could this be?!

As my daughter grew, I began exercising more and once again I gained weight, not a lot, but I was never as skinny as I had been right after she was born.  Now for those of you that say muscle weighs more than fat...there is truth to that, but it's not 10 lbs more I can assure you, and it takes a very long time to turn a pound of fat into a pound of muscle!

Finally, right after our son was born, I went to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome.   I had been to doctors before but no one had ever figured out what was really going on with me until then.  The doctor was a little baffled by me since I had 2 children (PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility in the world) and because I wasn't really heavy as many PCOS patients typically are.  So they began treating me for the PCOS which included a medicine to help with insulin resistance, a major symptom of PCOS.  For the next 8 years, I was relatively thin, but there as a reason for that.  For those 8 years the medicine made me feel like a first trimester pregnant smells, tastes, everything made me sick to my stomach.  I actually would have to leave the grocery store if they were steaming shrimp, and I can't begin to tell you how many hotels we left when we opened the door and it just didn't smell "right" to me!  It was a nightmare, and I went off of the medication just about 7 years ago.

If you are still reading this then bravo to you...I probably would have tuned out a long time ago if I were you!

The last 7, almost 8 years of my life have been spent dealing with one thing after another.  My mom's stroke, her death from cancer, my dad's death, working 2 jobs, selling one house and remodeling another, raising kids, having a husband who might say I've had just a wee bit of stress during those years.  But when life gets tough for me I turn to what I've always turned to in order to make it through...working out!

I joined a small gym and even hired a private trainer.  I would work out for several hours 3 or 4 times a week, and I was gaining weight and was tired all of the time!  Finally, my wonderful husband, who has never cared what I looked like or how much I weighed, said, "something is wrong with one can work out the way you do, eat as healthily as you do, and gain weight!"  It was him who found me a doctor who finally looked at the whole picture.  In addition to my PCOS, she determined that I also was hypothyroid and that my adrenal gland had given up the ghost.

So what does that mean, I wanted to know from her.  Well she looked right at me and said..."it means that if you don't slow down and eliminate all the stress from your life, then you won't be here to see your kids grow up!"  What?!  What did she just say, I thought to myself.  I saw her on a Friday afternoon, and on Monday I phoned my boss at my marketing job and said I won't be coming in ever again.

Besides scaring me to death, or maybe out of death, she also said something that completely shocked me and rocked my world.  She told me to quit exercising!  Again I thought...what?!  How can exercise be bad, we read all the time about how great it is, all of the health benefits...she must be crazy, I thought.  She explained that when our bodies are already stressed, we are producing huge amounts of cortisol.  When we exercise, we pump out even more cortisol, especially when we go above our metabolic I was making myself worse by exercising, and the added cortisol was what was making me GAIN weight!  I actually didn't believe her at first and continued to exercise, until the next doctor told me the same thing, and then when the 3rd doctor said the same thing I finally got it...yeah I'm stubborn and stupid like that!  But it went against everything I had ever known and everything we are taught!

In the past 3 years, I have embarked on an arduous journey.  I've spent thousands of dollars having my blood levels tested every month, then every 3 months to try and get my body and my life back.  Today I only eat organic food, absolutely no transfats, grass fed only beef, limit my sugar intake, and I'm now allowed to walk short distances, do yoga and to meditate.  I even have a meditation program hooked up to my computer that has a way to monitor my pulse and galvanic skin response to make sure I stay in the zone and don't stress my body.  I'll admit that I'm not as faithful as I should be about doing yoga or using the program, but that's something I'm working on.

I also limit the amount of stress in my life as much as anyone can who is trying to work, has a family, and is just living life.  But the one thing that I haven't resolved is my weight.  I've been told to be patient, that in time it will sort itself out...but I'm not a patient person people so it's been very hard for me!

So why tell you all of this...I'll probably be asking myself that same question too once I hit the publish button...but I think it's because I feel it's time.  

When I left Connie's house the other day and went to Wegmans grocery store, I was wandering the aisles when I met a wonderful French woman.  We struck up a conversation, something I seem to do frequently, and we began to talk about how in France you can sit at a cafe all day people watching and sipping the same cup of coffee and no one would ever ask you to leave, or to order something can stay as long as you like.  This concept is so foreign here in the states, where waiters breathe down your neck if you take too long, and anxious patrons give you the eye if you don't hurry up so that they can fill your seat.

We talked for probably 20 minutes and she then looked right at me and said that her weight was a real problem for her.  She explained that before she turned 40 she had been a flight attendant and weight had never been an issue for her, but that following a hysterectomy and with changing hormones she had gained weight which she just couldn't seem to lose no matter what she did or how well she ate.  She seemed almost apologetic, yet she was a beautiful woman, her only crime was carrying a few extra pounds.  A crime which carries a hefty sentence (no pun intended) in this country...and sadly the punishment is spreading to other parts of the world.

America likes to pride itself on the fact that we can put a feed trough restaurant like the Olive Garden in every city and town, yet it shuns those whose bodies can't handle that sort of rubbish.  We have to go to specialty grocery stores such as Whole Foods and Wegmans (I drive 2 hours each way to get to those stores) to find healthy alternatives to the glossy perfect looking apples, and blemish free peaches.  Independent local farmers can't afford to grow the crops that will supply the next generation with healthy alternatives to flavored water and lunchables! 

We are a country obsessed with looks.  And the repercussions for those who don't fit the mold are devastating.  I never thought twice about having my picture taken, or what I would wear, or whether I wanted to meet someone...but I do now.  And we have people losing weight with Jenny Craig and then telling us that in order to do what you want and to feel confident, you have to be a size 6....As for the rest of you, well just stay at home, because frankly we don't want to see you, though much of our society is dedicated to making you bigger, less healthy, and less active.  Do we really need drink holders on our shopping carts people?!

The point of my post is that living a healthy lifestyle is a must.  Studies have shown that the way you and I eat will affect our grandchildren and great grandchildren!  

Another point of this post, and one I need to heed myself, is that how I look really shouldn't determine who I am or what I am capable of.  The other day my husband told me that he would be going to Germany for training in July, and would I like to go along?  My first reaction was YES, I've always wanted to go to Germany, but that thought was quickly replaced.  You see I have a dear gaming friend who lives in Hamburg, and all I could think was...oh I can't meet Markus when I look like this! How many times have you or me, or anyone else out there turned down an opportunity, or avoided something because you needed to lose 15 lbs, or 50 lbs?!  I need to free myself of the notion that if you see me and think I'm not skinny, and don't like me because of it, that there is something wrong with ME.   The truth is that if you judge me to be less capable, or pretty, or whatever based on my weight then that's your problem, because goodness knows I'm the same person I was when I wore the size 6 clothes that hang in my closet...which are all probably dry rotted by now.  

And lastly, but far and away the most important message I hope to impart is that I hope when you see someone who is overweight, you don't immediately assume that they eat fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner or that their car's GPS is programmed to hit the drive thru at Dunkin Donuts.  That was the point of Chania's post too, and I thank her for giving me permission to finally put it all out there on the table. 

I once asked my doctor why the weight was taking so long to come off and her reply was...well it will be the last component of your recovery.  I thought it was ironic that the first symptom to show up would be the last one to leave.  But I think I'm a better person today...heavier and slightly less confident then I once was...because I now live in the knowledge that my husband and children love me unconditionally and I've also developed a greater sense of compassion, empathy, and no longer judge people by how they look (not that I did much of that anyway), and that, my friends, is worth it's weight in gold!


  1. Lovely post coming from the heart. Kudos! And the pictures, well, I'm speechless!

  2. Well said, my friend! I use to let it bother me a lot. That I weigh over 160 pounds. But I've been over 200 pounds for a short amount of time, so this is skinny compared to that. I don't care about clothes. I figure, I'm 54 years old. You can like me for who I am, or judge me for being overweight. Doesn't really matter to me. I just want to be healthy, ever mindful that I look very much like my maternal relatives. What can you do about genes? Just try to be healthy and love yourself.

  3. I wish a newspaper would pick this up. There's nothing I can add to what you've written. We are culture obsessed with weight. The latest thing some doctors here have suggested is a tax exemption based on one's BMI. What a horror - what would be next?

  4. I'm glad you've figured out what was going on, and have embraced relaxing and less stress. Weight issues are one of those things that everyone, even the skinny, can relate to. I've always had a tough time with my self image when my weight creeps up. Lately, I've been having a rough time, because of perimenopausal weight gain. Intellectually, I know that I'm not overweight, and that many women would be glad to be wearing my clothes, but I can't help but feel like the michelin man. Take that trip. Men love a rounded figure. He probably will have no idea that you're not happy with your weight.

  5. You have shared this with me before Kat, but never from this angle. You are right, we are judgmental society. You never know what someone else is going through.

  6. Kat, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself. It is a hard thing to do and I for one appreciate your honesty. I think when your objective is a healthier, happier lifestyle you can't go wrong. It sounds to me like you are on the right path my dear!! Take care of yourself, your loved ones, Kathysue

  7. Kat thank you for such an honest, inspiring post. To love and be loved unconditionally is worth its weight in gold.

  8. Fascinating, I've read and heard many weight stories, but never about the condition you have. There are many reasons people gain weight and it's not always because of what they eat. Until I had a work injury ten years ago, I was always thin. I'm not now and while I eat lots of healthy food, I do indulge in a few things I shouldn't. That decision is based on my age and the fact that I'm not looking to live to be 100.

    But with all that aside, I've never liked that people are judged on their outward appearance rather than what's inside. Here, you're supposed to take the stress out of your life and you have to worry about what other people think about your weight? That just makes no sense, but I know it happens all the time in our looks-obsessed society. It's what's in your heart that counts and anyone who can't see that obviously is lacking in the heart department.

    Now again with all that said, you will not find me at the beach in a bikini. I'm okay with that.

  9. Kat, what a super post. So good learning more about you. I know you had mentioned medical issues in the past and now I understand more. I have always had to battle my weight. I have never been a size 6. My average size was always a 12 and now it is a 14. I am not a huge eater yet the weight stays with me. I was exercising like crazy and not eating much at all and did get down to a 10. I could not get any smaller. I told my husband I would have to literally not eat at all to get smaller. I am getting out and walking every morning now since I was just diagnosed with osteoporosis! Me at 55 has osteoporosis. My mom can't even believe it. She said as active as you are. Well, I haven't been as active, but I have come to terms with my size. I have yo yo'd all my life and worried about my size and I am just not going to keep doing that. If walking daily helps me to lose some then fine, but I am not paying for any more diets or diet food. Thank goodness my husband loves me no matter what!

  10. If you are eating well and taking care of yourself everyone else ought to go jump in a deep, cold lake. I eat as you do, but since I don't have your medical condition, my weight falls into societal norms. Even so, I am always aware of how unfair it is that it takes as much income and education as I've had access to to be able to eat the way that's best for everyone. So injust.

    I think if you educate people, if we all educate people, the situation will ease up. I've certainly been guilty of assuming that everyone who is overweight just eats poorly and avoids movement. Finding out that I'm wrong is changing my biases.

    Thank you for this post. The success you've achieved ought to give you a platform to really integrate all these aspects of your being. And get photographed as you are. I have issues with pictures of myself too, from another perspective, and have been struggling with whether to write about it. Maybe I will be as brave as you. Maybe not.

  11. Thank you for posting this, you have no idea how many lives you have impacted with this post.
    So often, we only use our blogs for pretty pictures and flowery prose, but you've delved deeper, and shared your own personal struggles.
    This takes guts.

    I think you're absolutely beautiful, inside and out!


  12. Such a beautiful post. I think we are all too weight conscious. If you feel good at whatever weight you are, then that's all that matters. You are very special just the way you are. Hugs, Marty

  13. Fantastic, inspiring post! I too carry way too many extra pounds around, but my family love me unconditionally, as do yours, and that is what is important to me.
    Thanks for bearing your soul!
    With love..
    OXO :-)

  14. Thanks for revealing your inner self by talking about your outer self. Both quite beautiful. The human body and a woman's in particular is very complex and weight control is tricky. Our culture is youth driven and it never ceases to drive me crazy.

  15. I've never met you and yet I know you are beautiful inside and out. You're right... we all worry too much about our weight as well as the weight of others.

    Love ya,

  16. Dear Kat,

    First I would like to thank you for baring your soul. It took much courage and introspection, I am sure.

    Many of your feelings mirrored those I have had, feelings of insecurity, not being good enough, not empowering myself, fearing the unknown. I am in my mid-50's and in good health and someone who wears a size 6. As I sat here and thought about all the truths you had written, it came to me that maybe it's not about weight, it's what's inside...our souls... the intangible not excess pounds. I'm just not sure, but you truly have me thinking....

  17. Kat, So much of this really hit home with me. About five years ago I had my thyroid removed and several months later I had a full hysterectomy. My whole system went wacky and I gained quite a bit of weight. It took a while to get the thyroid medication dosage right and I started on bio-identical(natural)hormones. Before taking these medications I could not lose an ounce no matter how much I worked out or how little I ate. In the past I avoided seeing friends and declined social invitations because of my weight. I missed out a lot because of my insecurities and know I realize my friends and family would love me no matter what I weighed

  18. Kat, I am sorry to hear about your conditions that caused you to not feel well for so many years AND burden your heart. I appreciate the honesty in your writing so much. Your spirit is so incredibly inspiring!!!!

  19. Oh sister I am SO WITH YOU!!! I too suffer from PCOS. And I mean suffer. I was breifly on medications when we were trying to get pregnant and was so very was aweful. I think that the infertility was the hardest thing for me. Until I really started to look at my life.I am finally at 35 getting myself on a decent track and working towards healing my body. The weight which was my first sign something was wrong is still with me, despite my best efforts. I know it takes time, but it doesn't make it easy. I also have a very stressful life and have for the last 6 years post a major job site accident my husband was in. I am so glad you decided to share your story, if it reaches one person (me!!!) who feels alone or tired or hopeless it was worth it! You amaze me!!!

  20. Great post, especially the part about overweight people who don't go through drive-thru windows. Many overweight people ARE healthy and sometimes it's just genetics. I could go on and on, but my comments would be as long as your post - all agreeing with you! I know this heart-felt and thoughtful post has awakened many.


  21. Very well said, there are so many society attitudes to deal with and so many issues as to why weight might stay with us at different times of our lives. Good luck at finding your best way to be healthy.

  22. My Dear, I don't know if this will help you or not, but on February 26, after an 80 day illness, my husband, my joy, my heart, my life, my future passed away from cancer. Nothing is now, or ever will be the same. He left 5 grandchildren with no Papa. He left 4 daughters, one son, sons-in-law with no father/stepfather. Life, as I've known it, is over. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't love him, miss him, and cry from the depths of my heart. One thing I have learned from this is that there nothing as important as love and showing that love. Weight be damned! You do what you need to do to be healthy. Love your husband, your children, your life, and don't worry about the extra 15 lb. That is not who you are. You do whatever it takes to make yourself happy, and if anyone has a problem with those extra pounds, it's their problem. There are things that can hit you in life that are so much worse.

  23. (This is Connie ... for some reason, Google won't let me sign in to comment as myself.)

    When I met you, the first thing I noticed were your eyes. They sparkle with a light that can only come from inside you. Next, I saw your smile. It's a sunny smile, one that comes easily and often. You and I have shared the stories of our stresses and challenges, and doing that makes the burden lighter. By sharing this story in such a public way, I hope it has made THIS burden more bearable for you.

    You are beautiful, inside and out!!! Who cares what size your jeans are?

  24. One amazing thing about Blogland..we get to know each other inside first. After that, who cares what the outside package is??
    We're here to support you, Kat. Sharing that had to be terribly hard..but brave.

  25. So glad you found out how to help yourself. I hope that you are on the path to healing.

    It probably comes from living in looks-oriented LA, but I have to say I have caught myself thinking unkind thoughts when I see the pictures of the folks in Kansas and Missouri. I've caught myself wondering why everyone is so fat and has so many kids. From the pictures I've seen, even the kids are fat. One lady is pregnant and already has a 15 month old, 3 and 5 year olds, you just don't see that here.

    How can these folks expect the earth to keep going when we have over-populated the way we have?

    I am working on trying to change my mindset that there is something "wrong" with these folks, but I have to wonder why the kids are all heavy too.

  26. Kat your post is wonderful. I hope that the world can be able to see people for who they are, not what they look like and it really hurts when I see people judge others when it is themselves that they should take a closer look at. You are such a wonderful friend and are beautiful inside and out and in the end it is our hearts that make the most impact. I know feeling comfortable in ones skin has been an issue for me as well since I was little and everyday I look in the mirror and the way I feel differs from day to day. My prayer is that we can all feel confident and comfortable with ourselves and live happy and healthy for our friends and family need us as much as we need them. :) I hope that you think a bit more about Germany this summer, what a great experience.
    I hope that you are feeling better and that you have a wonderful weekend my friend.
    Many hugs to you.

  27. Bravo!!!!! I'm 58 yrs old and have cardiovascular disease. Something hereditary from my Dad's side of the family. It's been tough taking tons of medication to keep the angina at bay. So not only do I have the constant pain, but I also have the 20 extra pounds that I'd like to ditch from water retention due to the meds. I live in Springfield, just an hour from Joplin, and I'll tell you, there are skinny people, and then there are the people that are heavy, and yeah, some of them don't have all their teeth. But I'd take a fat hillbilly with no teeth any day over a predudiced skinny person.
    thanks for a great post.
    xoxo Debra

  28. I almost missed this wonderful post, Kat! So thought-provoking and honest...and a subject that I totally identify with! Between a hysterectomy, menopause, lupus-type arthritis, and hypothyroidism, my normally thin frame gained 20 pounds, that don't want to budge! I am exercise intolerant and now have borderline diabetes. Being older than you, I have come to terms with the looks part of it and my size 14 body...but I SO want to be strong and healthy...that's the part I have the most trouble accepting. And I'm sure it's best if we keep doing all we can to be healthy! I also am making the switch to organic foods! I care, Kat! XO

  29. It is such a hard battle, and we have to consider genetics and social nuances. I can't stand fat jokes any more than I can bear gay jokes or racist jokes. You make so many great point Kat. Thank you.

  30. We can all relate to what you've written. I strive to lead a balanced, healthy lifestyle. But it has been a shock to me to weigh so much more than I did when I was younger. And the only reason I weigh more...I because I'm older and less active. And I can't do much about that and be happy, too! Thanks for sharing your can help others. We all struggle to be healthy and happy and we all have things to overcome and problems to deal with. KUDOS to you, my friend! ♥♥♥

  31. You are certainly not alone. My own thyroid issues have caused weight gain too....but its the energy level that has me most down. I just don't have stamina anymore! Wah! So much I want to do...and I just can't seem to keep up with all the ideas and plans in my heart and head!
    Acceptance and love...for ourselves and each other...that's what we need to strive for. :)

  32. marylnail@bellsouth.netMay 27, 2011 at 3:47 PM

    I bet anonymous would really hate us fat people from Mississippi and Louisiana! Please excuse us for not living up to her expectations. Oh, and we love lots of children down here too!

  33. Kat,
    I am trying to catch up with posts and may not have focused on all the finer points, but let me say this, friends come in all shapes and sizes and are never perfect. Those who spend their days trying to be, are often the dullest most disingenuous people I know. BTW, synthroid and coffee is how I start every morning!

  34. I feel like I
    already know you,
    and what I know
    is this: you are
    a beautiful person.
    Period. And when
    I hug you someday
    in person, I will
    feel the same way!
    Great post!
    xx Suzanne

  35. You know we all love you Kat and I'm so glad you shared the struggles you have been going through with your health. I think it's so hard to not be self conscious about our physical looks, perhaps it's something we all continue to struggle with and it's about time we go forth and start feeling confident, because we should all know better than that by now. You are such a dear Kat, and you always express yourself so perfectly, because you always say it from a place of beauty. xoxo ~Lili

  36. I only had time to read here for about an hour. Your words touched me so deeply. I suffer from a chronic disease and didn't know I had it for almost 15 years. I pushed and tried to do it all. I was so lucky to have a doctor finally sit me down and tell me I was dying. I have a life again. Not the same one as before, but to take and work with what is left is amazing, a gift. Your reference from above, the glass is always full, if it has air in it then breath!
    I just started a blog, I need to learn how to work my camera but I'm making out ok.. Stop in sometime and you can leave a me a photo tip ! Many Happy Filled Days To You.. Jules ♥

  37. Kat- I love you for being so brutally honest in this post. Your timing is uncanny as I have had it on my heart to also be open about my weight struggles. I know how you feel- because my weightt goes up and down also. A lot!! Over 8 years ago- I lost 60( yes- gasp- 60) pounds using weight watchers. I swore I would never put it back on again. But- over time- I became complacent and 30 of it came back---!

    After our last cruise I said - that's it - the weight is coming off. Kat- this has been the hardest struggle of my life. I have sweated off every pound and it has been so so hard. I know first hand how this affects the way we feel about ourselves. I will never midgets woman by her weight. As you have written- so perfectly- there are so many issues that affect a woman and her weight.

    You are so much more than just a weight number dear Kat- and so am I- although it is hard to remember that sometimes. You need to weigh whatever makes you comfortable and happy. Please do not lose this opportunity to travel to Germany because you feel insecure- trust me and all of those who love you- YOU are beautiful. We are what we are. I am trying to lose again because I desperately want to. We both you and I strive to eat healthy- we will just try to be the best we can. No more no less.

    I appreciate your brutal honesty- I know that hundreds of women will read and identify with this. You have done a wonderful thing for us all--

  38. I have no idea why my comment used the word " midgets"!! Where did that come from?? Sorry I did not catch that- I am embarrassed--

  39. I'm sorry it took me a bit to get here but blogger has been just mean to me lately. I loved your post because I know it helped you to put into words what is in your heart. Age helps to level the playing field and when I got to be 65 I, more or less, said to myself. I love you but if you don't love me that's your problem. Honey I know you love me and I love you just the way you are. {{{Hugs}}}


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